Today’s blogpost is all about toilets! Public toilets,
to be specific. I originally thought I’d write about the Netherlands getting a
new king in two days (because that’s all anybody talks about here), but I realized
in time that that would be terribly uninteresting. Then I asked Mia for topic ideas
and she suggested that I should write ‘a rant about public toilets’. So, I
decided I’d rather gross you out than bore you. Let’s get started!
There are tons of different kinds of public toilets,
depending on their shape, size and location. For instance, I was in France once
on a school trip, and when we stopped the bus to pee, the toilet turned out to
be just a hole in the ground. It’s quite hygienic and doesn’t require a lot of
maintenance, I suppose, but it’s also highly uncomfortable and not suitable for
stiff, old people and awkward teenagers alike. Needless to say, almost everybody
preferred to pee elsewhere and retreated into some bushes nearby.
However, most toilets you come across in day-to-day life will have a bowl, a
seat*
and maybe a lid. They can be pretty or ugly, they can be sparkly clean or
covered in mysterious stains, and you can find them anywhere. I’ll discuss just
a few of the possibilities.
TOILETS AT SCHOOL
Restrooms at schools, especially at high schools, seem to double as a venue for important meetings. At least at my school, the bathroom was the place where everyone (but mostly the girls) would go first when they got to school. They’d renovate what the weather had left of their make-up and just talk to friends and classmates. I’ve seen girls unpack entire beauty cases and bring curling irons, all the while chatting and sometimes arguing with others. It may seem like a vain or shallow activity, but even though I was never a big make-up person, I liked that pre-class ritual and we really did discuss some worthwhile things in that restroom.
Applying make-up wasn’t one of the activities I used the restroom for, but it was oftentimes the place where I executed my joke ideas. I wasn’t a big trouble maker or anything (because everyone always immediately knew I’d done it), I just did little things I thought were really funny. Throughout the years, I put up all sorts of notes in the toilets that ranged from warnings such as ‘Watch out for Moaning Mertle’ to official-looking pamphlets that read ‘Flush twice for the Ministry Of Magic’, which included the rules of the Ministry and a fake autograph from Cornelius Fudge.
Restrooms at schools, especially at high schools, seem to double as a venue for important meetings. At least at my school, the bathroom was the place where everyone (but mostly the girls) would go first when they got to school. They’d renovate what the weather had left of their make-up and just talk to friends and classmates. I’ve seen girls unpack entire beauty cases and bring curling irons, all the while chatting and sometimes arguing with others. It may seem like a vain or shallow activity, but even though I was never a big make-up person, I liked that pre-class ritual and we really did discuss some worthwhile things in that restroom.
Applying make-up wasn’t one of the activities I used the restroom for, but it was oftentimes the place where I executed my joke ideas. I wasn’t a big trouble maker or anything (because everyone always immediately knew I’d done it), I just did little things I thought were really funny. Throughout the years, I put up all sorts of notes in the toilets that ranged from warnings such as ‘Watch out for Moaning Mertle’ to official-looking pamphlets that read ‘Flush twice for the Ministry Of Magic’, which included the rules of the Ministry and a fake autograph from Cornelius Fudge.
By the way, I usually didn’t operate alone. I have a good friend who was almost always prepared to be my partner in crime. She, for instance, was the one who came up with the idea of throwing red food coloring in the boys’ toilet bowls to freak them out. I choose my friends wisely.
TOILETS AT WORK
In my experience, toilets in workplaces are usually very acceptable, but at my current job at a restaurant in my town, I hit the toilet jackpot. Not to brag or anything, but we have beautifully decorated restrooms, with soft towels and amazing soap, the smell of which makes you imagine yourself standing in the middle of a field of gorgeous flowers. The only downside is, that I am the one who has to clean them at the end of the day. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve found. Seriously. Even thinking about it makes me vomit in the back of my mouth a little bit.
In my experience, toilets in workplaces are usually very acceptable, but at my current job at a restaurant in my town, I hit the toilet jackpot. Not to brag or anything, but we have beautifully decorated restrooms, with soft towels and amazing soap, the smell of which makes you imagine yourself standing in the middle of a field of gorgeous flowers. The only downside is, that I am the one who has to clean them at the end of the day. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve found. Seriously. Even thinking about it makes me vomit in the back of my mouth a little bit.
TOILETS IN BARS
I don’t set foot in bars or pubs frequently, so I don’t have a lot of experience to share, but I imagine that alcohol, darkness and aiming urine into a bowl make for a bad combination.
I don’t set foot in bars or pubs frequently, so I don’t have a lot of experience to share, but I imagine that alcohol, darkness and aiming urine into a bowl make for a bad combination.
TOILETS IN SPACE
As I was researching the topic for today, my mind went from one pee-related thought to another, and I ended up wondering how much the most expensive toilet would cost. I expected to find fabulous photos of golden thrones, or bowls covered in rhinestones, and I did come across some of those, but I also found this article and discovered something ten times worth the search: A SPACE TOILET. I was very excited about this, especially when I read that it can RECYCLE PEE INTO WATER. NASA had it built in 2008 and it cost them an astonishing 19 million dollars.
It’s worth the money though, because if you use a normal toilet in space, well, I don’t think I have to describe the scene for you to develop a graphic image in your head. Let’s say you’d be glad you’re wearing a space suit and helmet.
As I was researching the topic for today, my mind went from one pee-related thought to another, and I ended up wondering how much the most expensive toilet would cost. I expected to find fabulous photos of golden thrones, or bowls covered in rhinestones, and I did come across some of those, but I also found this article and discovered something ten times worth the search: A SPACE TOILET. I was very excited about this, especially when I read that it can RECYCLE PEE INTO WATER. NASA had it built in 2008 and it cost them an astonishing 19 million dollars.
It’s worth the money though, because if you use a normal toilet in space, well, I don’t think I have to describe the scene for you to develop a graphic image in your head. Let’s say you’d be glad you’re wearing a space suit and helmet.
PUBLIC TOILETS THAT AREN’T TOILETS AT ALL
Sometimes people do their business in places where they’re not really supposed to do so. Occasionally, they just pull up one leg and gush some pee right up against a fire hydrant close to their home, just to let everybody know that it’s in their territory. It’s a way of claiming ownership. Just last week I a guy urinating over his bicycle, and, even weirder, I once witnessed a woman taking off her pants and squatting down to take a leak in the middle of Piazza Navona in Rome, her pee slowly filling the ridges between the cobblestones of the ancient square. What, did she think she owned the place?
But who am I to talk? I distinctly remember using my parents’ backyard as a kitty litter box when I was very little. I made a habit of digging a hole in the ground, peeing in it, and then covering my tracks with some soil. I’m no expert on the subject, but I think that’s an effective method for fertilization.
Anyway, that’s all for today. I know there’s much more to say on this topic. I haven’t even touched on bathroom in hotels, on camping sites or in the Room of Requirement, I failed to mention the (questionable) wonderfulness of toilets at gas stations and I entirely left out the kind of toilet where the walls don’t reach from floor to ceiling, which allows for you to get live updates from the stall next to yours, in the form of waterfall sounds and paper fumbling. I’m sorry for neglecting those and other topics and offer you my sincerest apologies. Maybe another day! In the meantime, please share your most memorable toilet experience in the comments.
Sometimes people do their business in places where they’re not really supposed to do so. Occasionally, they just pull up one leg and gush some pee right up against a fire hydrant close to their home, just to let everybody know that it’s in their territory. It’s a way of claiming ownership. Just last week I a guy urinating over his bicycle, and, even weirder, I once witnessed a woman taking off her pants and squatting down to take a leak in the middle of Piazza Navona in Rome, her pee slowly filling the ridges between the cobblestones of the ancient square. What, did she think she owned the place?
But who am I to talk? I distinctly remember using my parents’ backyard as a kitty litter box when I was very little. I made a habit of digging a hole in the ground, peeing in it, and then covering my tracks with some soil. I’m no expert on the subject, but I think that’s an effective method for fertilization.
Anyway, that’s all for today. I know there’s much more to say on this topic. I haven’t even touched on bathroom in hotels, on camping sites or in the Room of Requirement, I failed to mention the (questionable) wonderfulness of toilets at gas stations and I entirely left out the kind of toilet where the walls don’t reach from floor to ceiling, which allows for you to get live updates from the stall next to yours, in the form of waterfall sounds and paper fumbling. I’m sorry for neglecting those and other topics and offer you my sincerest apologies. Maybe another day! In the meantime, please share your most memorable toilet experience in the comments.
* Fun fact for the linguistic people: In Dutch the word we use for toilet seat is the same word we use for glasses (The ones for your eyes, not the ones you drink from).
That was an awesome post!
ReplyDeleteIn German it's also Klobrille (=toilet glasses). Well, actually in Austrian German.
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ReplyDeleteToilets in clubs and bars are in fact shining centres of commerce. At least in the gents there is almost always someone who has taken over a sink, surrounding it with every male grooming product imaginable ready to sell a squirt to anyone who feels the need to look their best.
ReplyDeleteI'll leave the stalls left undescribed however.