I'll be honest with you guys.
I'm terrified.
Why, you ask?
Most people will tell you straight away they're afraid because they don't have a plan. That scares me too, but I have another, greater fear.
I have a plan.
I have a plan and I'm scared because of it.
I have anxiety problems and because there is so much I want to do, often it triggers the deep fear within that I won't finish what I want to do, or worse, what I'm meant to do. You see, I'm one of those people who has irrational fears out the wazoo, one of them being unable to complete the creative projects I want to because either I just stink at getting things onto the page, or fear of being judged by people who read my work, or because I just die before I finish what I want to (irrational, I know).
Criticism is tough to accept without taking it heart, and I really have to get better about that. For example, I was talking to a friend about an aspect of a story I am working on, and she told me that the story was unoriginal because she had read a book once that had a vaguely similar concept in it.
Being called unoriginal is pretty much the most damning criticism in the artistic world, and after that incident, I have been going through a major dry spell in my ability to write. I can hear the inner critic whispering words in my ears.
"You're not good enough."
"You've never been recognized for your writing."
"You'll never finish anything worth anyone's time and money."
"You're unoriginal."
The voice inside my head won't let me write, or rather, it makes me afraid to write my story, and I keep myself silent.
But I've come to an important realization.
The story that is inside me is important. I can't let fear stop me.
Sure, my story's plot is convoluted, long and complicated, but that doesn't matter. I have to write it. I know I do. I can't let myself be silenced by anyone, most of all myself and my fears and anxieties. It's a feeling deep in my gut. It's an aching pain that seeps into my mind when I'm not working on it. A pain so great it feels like it will crush my spine from on high, and when I do think about it or work on it, it's like a poison being extracted slowly from my system. A wonderful poison, but a poison all the same.
That is how I know my work is worthwhile.
So here's what I'm going to do in my next post: I'm going to tell you a bit about the story and you can tell me what you think. Then I'm going to keep on writing no matter what you say! ;)
But to give you a little preview: I have always been fascinated by the Greek gods, and now I'm combining them with aspects of Plato's philosophy and cosmology and throwing them into a science fiction universe (multiverse) of my own creation.
But something is preying on the gods across the boundaries of time and space...
Let me know what you think, and also if you have had similar experiences of fear of your creative works!
I'm terrified.
Why, you ask?
Most people will tell you straight away they're afraid because they don't have a plan. That scares me too, but I have another, greater fear.
I have a plan.
I have a plan and I'm scared because of it.
I have anxiety problems and because there is so much I want to do, often it triggers the deep fear within that I won't finish what I want to do, or worse, what I'm meant to do. You see, I'm one of those people who has irrational fears out the wazoo, one of them being unable to complete the creative projects I want to because either I just stink at getting things onto the page, or fear of being judged by people who read my work, or because I just die before I finish what I want to (irrational, I know).
Criticism is tough to accept without taking it heart, and I really have to get better about that. For example, I was talking to a friend about an aspect of a story I am working on, and she told me that the story was unoriginal because she had read a book once that had a vaguely similar concept in it.
Being called unoriginal is pretty much the most damning criticism in the artistic world, and after that incident, I have been going through a major dry spell in my ability to write. I can hear the inner critic whispering words in my ears.
"You're not good enough."
"You've never been recognized for your writing."
"You'll never finish anything worth anyone's time and money."
"You're unoriginal."
The voice inside my head won't let me write, or rather, it makes me afraid to write my story, and I keep myself silent.
But I've come to an important realization.
The story that is inside me is important. I can't let fear stop me.
Sure, my story's plot is convoluted, long and complicated, but that doesn't matter. I have to write it. I know I do. I can't let myself be silenced by anyone, most of all myself and my fears and anxieties. It's a feeling deep in my gut. It's an aching pain that seeps into my mind when I'm not working on it. A pain so great it feels like it will crush my spine from on high, and when I do think about it or work on it, it's like a poison being extracted slowly from my system. A wonderful poison, but a poison all the same.
That is how I know my work is worthwhile.
So here's what I'm going to do in my next post: I'm going to tell you a bit about the story and you can tell me what you think. Then I'm going to keep on writing no matter what you say! ;)
But to give you a little preview: I have always been fascinated by the Greek gods, and now I'm combining them with aspects of Plato's philosophy and cosmology and throwing them into a science fiction universe (multiverse) of my own creation.
But something is preying on the gods across the boundaries of time and space...
Let me know what you think, and also if you have had similar experiences of fear of your creative works!
That sounds like an interesting concept, I'd love to hear more about it!
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted to write songs, but nothing I come up with sounds good to me. If it doesn't sound good to me I don't want to write it, so I don't.
Thanks! :)
DeleteI definitely know that feeling. I tend to edit a lot when I write, which is terrible because I end up getting rid of most of what I wrote.
Greek mythology is the best! I already approve.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, criticism of your artistic work is hard to deal with because it feels like criticism of YOU (even though it's really not).
Greek myth and Norse myth are my favorite mythologies!
DeleteExactly! Especially if the criticism is totally unhelpful and nonconstructive.
Greek mythology is awesome - multiple Gods, sex and intrigues, what do you want more?
ReplyDeleteWhen I get criticized, no matter what for, I get super defensive because I always find reasons why *I* am right and they are wrong. It's a problem and I'm trying to work on that, but it's not easy. My driving lessons were a nightmare, at one point my driving instructor and me were shouting at each other. I still think I was in the right there and besides he was sexist and racist, so that lesson was already a disaster before...
Anyway, I'd like to hear your plot :) I think you should distract yourself from thinking all the time that you have to be good enough or that you have to get recognition etc. There are so many great books that nobody knows and there is so much shit that millions of people read (*cough*50 shades*cough*), so isn't it better to write just for fun and if anybody else wants to read it too, it's a nice bonus? :)
Greek mythology is definitely awesome!
DeleteIt's really hard not to have a reaction like that. It's definitely something I need to work on. Driver's ed is almost never a good experience, but that sounds awful. I'm sorry. You were in the right, I'm sure. :)
Thanks! I try to do that. It always gives me hope that really crappy novels have gotten published. haha
I had a driving lesson once where he just told me exactly what to do and when to do it. I was all "are you actually going to teach me to drive or are you just going to tell me what to do?" He kept complaining that I was tense. My brain had automatically switched to low power mode since it wasn't required to do any of the thinking. I was in control of a vehicle going 50mph while my brain wasn't in gear. IS IT ANY WONDER I WAS TENSE?
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThere is this book called ‘De Kapellekensbaan’ from Louis Paul Boon, a Belgian writer. It’s about a writer and at one point this writer walked down a flight of stairs and this stern schoolmaster person appears, asking: Do you really think you’re better than Proust, Céline, Zola, etc. And the writer answered: ‘It is possible that it is impossible to say something newer and better, but the dust of Time descends on top of all that has been written, and therefore I contemplate that it would be good if every other ten years, someone else would draw a cross over all those old things, and would articulate today’s world all over again with different words.’
ReplyDeleteReally, everything has pretty much been said or written about at this point. The important thing is that you write it differently with different words. Also, lots of amazing writers have never been applauded of recognized for their work, but that doesn’t mean they’re not freaking amazing.