Going to
the dentist was never one of my favorite pastimes, but my last visit was
especially unpleasant. I was sitting in the chair, my mouth opened
uncomfortably wide and my eyes squinting in the light of what looked like a
miner’s torch on top of his head, as I tried to read my dentist’s facial
expression. Even though it was hard to make out much of his face behind his
glasses and mouth mask, I didn’t think he looked particularly worried, so I
relaxed a little, until:
‘It looks like your upper left
wisdom tooth doesn’t have enough space. As it stands now, it’s likely that it
will push your other teeth out of place.’ He said.
‘What does that mean?’ I asked
anxiously, speaking as clearly as I could in spite of having medical tools and
what felt like ten sticks of cotton wool in my mouth. I feared the worst, and
with good reason, because:
‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to
remove it sometime in the future.’[i]
I, having
worn braces for over four years only to get my teeth in the somewhat straight
state they are in today, was rather upset by this news. I was also very scared
at the prospect of possibly having dental surgery, so, naturally, I whined to
my mother about it. She, however, had a word of comfort:
‘Look at it from the bright
side!’ she said, with an unconvincing smile.
‘I fail to see a bright side to
this situation.’ I replied, sadly.
‘Well, there’s always the tooth
fairy.’ She sniggered.
I could
only laugh about this comment, so I guess it cheered me up slightly. It did,
however, also make me think about the tooth fairy as a concept. I suppose it’s
not surprising that an important aging process like losing your baby teeth is
surrounded by a myth, but sometimes I can’t help but think the adults were just
trying to find out how many nonsensical stories they could make their kids
believe before they would start asking questions, all the while laughing at
their our stupidity. This made me think
about other lies parents tell their children, and especially the lies my
parents told me. Less than true stories I was told as a kid certainly weren’t
limited to the existence of a tooth fairy.
For
example, whenever there was a rainbow in the sky, my parents used to say that
the chickens were celebrating carnival. I know that sounds ridiculous. I can’t
even imagine how I could ever have believed that, but apparently I did, because
in second grade, after my teacher asked the class when rainbows appeared, I
raised my hand in Hermione-like fashion and replied enthusiastically:
‘When the chickens have
carnival!’
My mom, who
heard the story through my confused teacher, still likes to recount the tale
and laughs herself silly at my foolishness. I wasn’t a little Einstein as a
kid, it appears. I must have thought colored light beamed from chickens having
a great time, which is kind of sad, because, really, most chickens don’t have a
very great life at all. Oh, dear, I didn’t mean for that dark turn to happen.
Moving on!
Another
curious and rather cruel thing my parents used to say, was that my sister and I
weren’t their biological children, but that they had found us under the bridge
near our house. Again, this is a weird thing to say and it makes me doubt my
parents’ sense of humor. I imagine they got the inspiration from the stories of
Moses and Romulus and Remus, but I am at a loss as to why they applied a
similar story to us. But then again, this came from the same people who,
whenever we asked where they were going, replied in acted seriousness: ‘We’re leaving the country on a little
white horse.’
The things
I’ve mentioned so far really seem to have had no purpose whatsoever, but my
parents also fed us some lies to teach us lessons. For instance, to keep us from
chewing on our own hair, they told us that this could lead big hairballs to
form in our bellies, which we would then have to throw up the way cats do. This
gory, yet kind of awesome warning was very effective, although I don’t really
get why chewing on your hair is such a terrible habit.
Likewise, to keep us from pulling weird faces and sticking out our tongue at random people on the street, we were told that if we did either of those things, and the clock started to chime, our faces would fix and stay weird forever. I don’t know if it was as a result of this story, but to this day, I have never stuck out my tongue at anyone.
Likewise, to keep us from pulling weird faces and sticking out our tongue at random people on the street, we were told that if we did either of those things, and the clock started to chime, our faces would fix and stay weird forever. I don’t know if it was as a result of this story, but to this day, I have never stuck out my tongue at anyone.
Maybe the
most wide-spread of lies parents tell their children, is the one of Santa
Claus. After all of this, you might be surprised to know that my parents told
me Santa was fake from the start[ii]. Santa
Claus isn’t very popular in the Netherlands, and even though we celebrated
Christmas and decorated the house with some Santa Claus figurines, it wasn’t
about getting gifts from that fictional character. We celebrated another
holiday instead on December fifth. This very typical Dutch holiday is called ‘Sinterklaas’,
and the story around it, is that at the end of every year, Saint Nicholas comes
to visit from Spain. He arrives with his helpers in November on a large boat,
so he can give all the Dutch kids gifts on the evening of his birthday, December
5th. Saint Nicholas’ arrival is a grand spectacle including a parade
that thousands of people go to watch, and it airs live on national television. It involves special Sinterklaas songs, actors dressed
up as Sinterklaas and his helpers, and the throwing around of cookies. Then,
from the day of his arrival up until the actual celebration, Saint Nicholas
visits towns[iii],
leaves gifts and candy in children’s shoes, and every evening there’s a news
show all about him, which is no less serious than the regular eight o’clock
news. Basically, the entire country works together to trick the children.
[A
sidetrack, but I wanted to note something problematic about Saint Nicholas’
helpers, otherwise known as ‘black Petes’. The thing is that they are black,
whereas Saint Nicholas, who is basically their boss, is white. You can
interpret this as sending the message to little children that white people are
in charge of black people. Also, the story of Sinterklaas tells us that, to
deliver presents to children, black Petes would climb through the chimneys to
get into their houses, which is given as an explanation for their dark skin
color. These things are both extremely racist and factually incorrect. On top
of all this, there is actually a Sinterklaas song that literally translates to “Even
though I’m black as soot, my intentions are good”, which is just so wrong that
I don’t even know what to say about it.]
Anyway, to
return to the story, Sinterklaas is one of the best kept secrets in my country.
Yet, believe it or not, I figured out that Saint Nicholas wasn’t real before I
figured out that chickens weren’t responsible for rainbows. I was seven years
old when I realized that the handwriting on the presents I got for Sinterklaas
was that same as my mother’s and my parents tell me that I “cold-bloodedly confronted
them about it and didn’t seem surprised in the least”. Maybe I was a little
Einstein after all.
Why was I
writing about all of this again? Oh, right, I’m getting my wisdom teeth removed. Well, that sucks. As to conclude this post, I
still have no idea why parents tell their kids weird lies. I suspect they just
like to sit back and laugh about it.
So, that’s
all for today. I have to go leave the country on a little white horse.
[i] By the way, have you ever
noticed how dentists and doctors always say things like “it looks like”, “it
seems that” and “I’m going to have to”? Even in Dutch, they tend to use similar
euphemisms. What’s that about? It’s not like it make things any less scary
and/or painful…
[ii]
I’m sorry. I really hate to you
if you didn’t already know. I hope you were sitting down.
[iii] Here’s a clip of me playing the
saxophone at the Sinterklaas parade in my town last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaUBHdcgfdg
